NEWNow you can listen to Fox News articles!
Hayden Panettiere is opening up about what she calls the most painful decision she’s ever made as a mother.
In his memoirs, “This is me: a reckoning”, The “Nashville” alum opens up about why she gave full custody of her daughter, Kaya, to her ex-fiancé, Wladimir Klitschko. Panettiere reveals that his 11-year-old daughter has been living with her father since 2018.
“I just knew that if I wanted to… I knew what a bad place I was in,” the actress told Fox News Digital. “I hid it from my daughter as much as I could.”
HAYDEN PANETTIERE SAYS FILING ‘NASHVILLE’ WAS LIKE LIVING ADDICTION TWICE
Hayden Panettiere opens up about the heartbreaking decision that led her daughter Kaya to live with her ex-fiancé Wladimir Klitschko since 2018. (Storm Saints)
“When I saw the environment there (in Europe) and the support system she had, I said to myself, ‘If I fight, if I go to war over this, it will permanently damage my daughter. It’s going to be incredibly public. She has two very famous parents and it’s going to be ugly.'”
“I said, ‘You know what? Let it grow here,'” he said. “I will travel here as much as I can. I know she is safe. I know she is well taken care of, more than well taken care of. She has an amazing life. And I also knew that the day would come when she would come back to me.”
Hayden Panettiere’s “This Is Me: A Reckoning” is available now. (Great central post)
“I tried to numb myself,” the 36-year-old admitted. “It was very difficult to understand the pain, the emotional pain of that. But somehow you keep putting one foot in front of the other.”
WATCH: HAYDEN PANETTIERE EXPLAINS THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL CHALLENGES OF MAKING NEW THRILLER ‘SLEEPWALKER’
In the book, Panettiere wrote that not being under the same roof as Kaya has been “the most heartbreaking experience of my life.”
“…I’m sorry for not being the mom I thought I would be and definitely not the mom I want to be (believe me, no one should have to raise a child on FaceTime), and while I miss Kaya so much, my heart hurts, I know how blessed I am to be her mom.”
Hayden Panettiere told Fox News Digital that she hopes sharing her story will help mothers struggling with postpartum depression feel less alone. (Bernd Thissen/Picture Alliance via Getty Images)
Panettiere reflected on filming “Nashville” while going through a difficult pregnancy, which was ultimately written into the story of her character Juliette Barnes.
On the set of “Nashville,” art imitated Hayden Panettiere’s life in a way she never expected. (Mark Levine/Disney General Entertainment Content via Getty Images)
Panettiere’s pregnancy was marked by a series of alarming health problems. She described how doctors detected about anomalies during prenatal scans and warned that Kaya might have microcephaly. The actress sought solace in Hawaii, a place she long considered a refuge.
While there, Klitschko shared a Ukrainian tradition for good luck, urging her to kneel before a tree, hold onto it and “give thanks to God for everything he has given you and pray for what you need.”
Hayden Panettiere is seen here in Hawaii shortly before her daughter was born. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
Weeks later, Panettiere suffered a life-threatening delivery. During her C-section, doctors called a “code crimson” after her blood didn’t clot and her uterus became infected. She underwent emergency surgery for three hours.
CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE ENTERTAINMENT NEWSLETTER
Hayden Panettiere is seen with her growing baby bump. She gave birth on December 9, 2014. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
“I almost died while having my daughter,” Panettiere told Fox News Digital. “I had seven blood transfusions. I didn’t know if I was going to make it.”
During her recovery, Panettiere struggled to bond with her daughter.
Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko at a party for a mutual friend in 2008. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
“You hear these stories from your friends about their experiences and they are very positive,” he said. “They also talk to you about ‘baby blues’. At first I thought, ‘I just have baby blues.’ But it went on and on, deeper and deeper, worse and worse. And the doctors didn’t even diagnose me with anything. My way of trying to cope was by drinking because of the anxiety and the inability to sleep.”
In her new memoir, Hayden Panettiere detailed the struggles she endured with postpartum depression. (Storm Saints)
“You’re just disgruntled and unhappy all the time,” Panettiere said. “You just feel like it’s very dark. It doesn’t make rational sense. It’s not logical. And yet you’re trying to make sense of it. But when it goes on for 10 months later, you think there’s something very wrong.”
In the memoir, Panettiere recalls enduring “long days of nothing before me” as anxiety took over, becoming “the hulking monster that sits on your chest and erases your confidence and motivation.” Despite having “everything I ever wanted,” he remained deeply “unhappy.”
Wladimir Klitschko and Hayden Panettiere attend the Giorgio Armani show during Milan Men’s Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2014 on June 25, 2013, in Milan, Italy. (Venturelli/WireImage)
He self-medicated with alcohol. The actress first entered treatment when Kaya was 4 months old after realizing her alcohol use had gotten out of control.
DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU ARE READING? CLICK HERE FOR MORE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS
When Kaya was 4 months old, Hayden Panettiere sought treatment and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. She says the medications she was prescribed left her numb and disconnected. (Storm Saints)
“When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about is having a drink, that’s a problem,” Panettiere said.
Panettiere realized he needed treatment.
Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko permanently ended their relationship in 2018. (Jemal Condesa/Getty Images)
“I just knew I had to get help, do it for myself. I knew I wasn’t good at the condition I was in. I did everything I could and got sober, but I was still struggling with postpartum. But I was the one who asked to go to treatment.”
“I entered rehab addicted to one substance and came out completely dependent on something else,” Hayden Panettiere wrote in her memoir. (Martin Rose/Bongarts/Getty Images)
Panettiere said she reached a breaking point and realized she needed professional help after alcohol became her way of coping with persistent postpartum depression. after childbirth.
“I talked to my daughter’s father about this and I said, ‘I need help, professional help. I need someone to fix me because this depression for the rest of my… will it ever go away? Is this the new normal? Will I have to understand that I will always be depressed for the rest of my life?’ So when I went to treatment, I was the one who said, ‘I’m at my breaking point.’ I need intervention. I need professionals. I need someone to guide me through this.'”
Hayden Panettiere began her first regular acting role at age 4 on “One Life to Live.” (Ron Galella/Getty Images; Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images)
In the book, Panettiere wrote that in 2015, anxiety “returned, then overtook me,” buzzing “like a fluorescent light, keeping me reactive, nervous, and full of dread.” She became dependent on prescription medications to help her cope.
CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP
Hayden Panettiere starred in the television series “Nashville” for six seasons, from 2012 to 2018. (Courtesy of Hayden Panettiere)
As Panettiere continued to struggle with addiction and mental health issues, his relationship with Klitschko fell apart. In 2018, he presented her with papers requesting full custody of Kaya, telling her, “I want full custody. I worry about Kaya when she’s with you.”
Panettiere defended herself, insisting that her daughter was always surrounded by loving caregivers and that she had “never been drunk and alone with Kaya” while she was in his care. Still, he ultimately decided not to challenge the custody agreement, writing that he believed it was the best decision for Kaya as she worked to rebuild her life.
Panettiere wrote that much of her character’s story in the fourth season of “Nashville” was based on her own personal struggles. (Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images)
“I was mortified when I saw stories like ‘Hayden Panettiere gave up her daughter,'” she said.
Hayden Panettiere rejects claims she “gave up” on her daughter. (Storm Saints)
“I felt heartbroken. It’s not that I live by other people’s opinions of me, but I’m also a human being. Everyone wants to be understood. And I had to tell myself every day that she’s in an amazing environment. She’s learning different languages. She’s passionate about riding horses. She has friends, she has a great support system.”
“I felt like I made the right decision,” he reflected. “I’ve seen who she is and she’s an incredible human being. Something must have gone right.”
Panettiere recalled that he realized he needed to seek help for his addiction when he found himself reaching for alcohol at 6:00 a.m. (Raymond Hall/GC Images)
Panettiere wrote that he has an “incredibly strong” bond with Kaya.
HAYDEN PANETTIERE SAYS GROWING UP IN HOLLYWOOD MADE HER ‘VERY PROTECTIVE’ OF CHILDREN ON SET
Hayden Panettiere today describes her relationship with ex-fiancé Wladimir Klitschko as “kind.” (Luca Teuchmann/Getty Images)
“I travel to Europe a lot and spend a lot of time with her on FaceTime,” he explained. “And Wlad and I have a good relationship. We made a promise to each other that we would never say a bad word to each other to our son. That was something I grew up with. And we’ve stuck to that.”
“He’s 11 now, so time flies,” Panettiere said. “I feel like she’s becoming more and more curious about me, my life, and who I am. We’re very similar. She’s me. I understand her in a way that no one else can.”
Hayden Panettiere talks about “Nashville” with Build Series at AOL Headquarters on January 5, 2017 in New York City. (Roy Rochlin/FilmMagic)
Today, Panettiere said she is “doing great” and hopes sharing her story will encourage other mothers suffering in silence to seek help.
Hayden Panettiere told Fox News Digital that she is “doing great” and has a close bond with her daughter Kaya. (Michael Buckner/Variety via Getty Images)
“I feel connected to myself,” she said. “I feel like I’m taking good care of myself, checking in on myself. And I have a long list of things I’d love to accomplish and create. I feel more connected to myself than ever before.”
