In a conversation with Life Kit, Vellos shares insights on how to turn a stranger into a friend, based on scientific research and her work as a friendship coach. In that role, she helps people who struggle to make friends where they live and talks to city leaders and urban planners about designing spaces for connection. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s talk about how to spot a friend in the wild. Maybe it’s in a community space or at a group dinner. How do you know if this person has friendship potential?
Notice who you feel warm with, who you feel safe with. Also see if they are curious to get to know you more.
He’s not necessarily the most interesting person in the room. They may have a lot of charisma and magnetic charm, but they may not make you feel grounded.
Let’s say you meet someone who seems cool. How could you invite them to hang out?
A common mistake people make when trying to make a new friend is waiting too long to see that new acquaintance again. And in that time, the spark can go out.
There is research on how long it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend. It comes from the work of Jeffery Hall, [a professor of communication studies] at the University of Kansas.
he quantified how many hours are needed To turn a stranger into a friend: More than 30 for a casual friend. [Those hours] We really need to compress each other, preferably in the first few weeks of knowing each other.
This research confirms what your intuition might say, which is: if you spend a lot of time together when the relationship is new, it’s more likely to last.
Many times, adults follow some kind of arbitrary rule that says you can’t go out two days in a row or that you can’t see someone more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships fail.
As for what to do together, she suggests choosing an activity that’s memorable.
Coffee dates are nice. Many people use them by default for a first date. But the coffee is forgettable. It doesn’t feel important. It’s easy to cancel and doesn’t provide much of a conversation.
So choose something that’s a little more interesting. It’s going to increase the excitement, [and people are more likely] so as not to cancel.
So if you tell me you like knitting, I might say, “Hey, there’s a really cool yarn art exhibit. Do you want to go?” You’re probably more likely to say yes because it’s something you really care about.
There is another benefit. Researchers at Cornell University discovered that when people who don’t know each other very well experience an out-of-the-ordinary experience together, it brings them together much faster than doing a common activity, like having another coffee.
When we do something a little unusual, that novelty catches both of your attention and gives you a memory you can have together. [Going to] a classic car show or vegan food truck festival will be much more memorable than that latte.
What if you start dating and realize you don’t really like them?
It is okay not to take this train to Bestie station.
Decide if you really want to stop seeing them or if you just want to move them to the outer connection ring.
There really are rings. There’s your inner circle. The next ring are friends you could invite to a birthday party. The next ring is [people you’d] be happy to see at random, but don’t look. Then it is [people] Who you’re with is okay with them being strangers.
Let’s say you have a new friend. It’s going well. You’ve gone out several times. What are some ways to make friendship last?
I often say that there are four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. I describe it in my book. If these four elements are present, this friendship is more likely to last.
The first is compatibility. Hopefully there is enough mutual interest and chemistry that you want to move forward. So it’s the frequency. How often do you see each other? Proximity is how much time you can spend in person, face to face. How close can you get?
Over time, if you are both committed, you will both dedicate yourself to the friendship.
The story was edited by Meghan Keane. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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